I Want to Shine

“Don’t shine so that others may see you…shine so that through you, others may see Him.”

I want to shine. I want to be that girl who walks in the room and makes everyone smile. I want to light a room without saying a word. I’ll give all that I am just to emanate His light and His goodness. The one who always takes the good from the bad and she literally radiates happiness, strength, independence, confidence, love, and surety. I want to shine. And who am I not to share this light? It’s hard to be an example of something I am not, but I am a Daughter of God. Brilliant, gorgeous, talented, caring. I am powerful beyond measure. There is nothing brilliant in shrinking so that others don’t feel insecure around me. We were meant to rise up our voices and give everything we got. I was born to make manifest the glories of our God. I am a light on a hill. And as I let my own light shine, it will give others the confidence to do the same. And I’ll be all I can be through Him and with Him, so I can give it to others and go and do what I promised Him. When the battles of this life are through, He’ll take me and call me faithful, His daughter, a fighter for his righteous army, a gatherer of souls. I am ready to stand at the edge, seeing darkness below and have enough faith to jump and know that there will either be something solid below me or I will learn to fly. Courage and faith are not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than that fear. I have been torn down 9 times in my life but I have the courage, THE FAITH, to stand a little taller. Scars have the power to remind us that our past was real but that we were stronger than whatever tried to hurt us. For “yea, I know that I am nothing; as to my strength I am weak; therefore I will not boast of myself, but I will boast of my God, for in his strength I can do all things.” Through Christ and the atonement, scars are healed, both physically and spiritually. The plan reclaims each and every one of us if only we seek to find that light that resonates in every single one of us. I will be a pure stream. I will give unconditionally and emit these rays with the light of Christ in my eyes.  It was my destiny to win, I was never meant to fail and therefore I WILL not fail. I’ll know my way and hold to that ray of light. I will shine. Because of Him.

It's the Little Things

When you wake up to a sky as blue as cotton candy.

The whitest, fluffiest clouds you’ve ever seen.

Smelling the blossoming flowers.

Chocolate.

Witnessing a child’s innocence.

Someone tells you that you look tan.

Feeling the prickling feeling of the sun burning your skin.

Sliding on those old worn out blue jeans that fit like a glove.

Knowing you have absolutely nothing to do all day.

Your husband’s hand on your lower back.

Cuddling a child as they sleep.

Warming up by a bon fire.

Hearing crickets chirp.

Smelling boat gasoline.

Watching an old man grab his wife’s hand as they walk.

Hearing your favorite song on the radio.

Island music.

The lake lapping at the sides of a boat while you lay on the dock.

Walking into an arena with thousands of people.

Wearing oversized hoodies.

Hearing a child’s shrill laugh followed by a splash.

Hitting every green light.

The smell of Christmas cinnamon and oranges.

Forehead kisses.

Watching fireworks under a blanket.

Hearing thunder echo in the timber.

Surprises.

Getting the game winning point.

The smell of your mom.

Feeling a cool breeze on a hot day.

Climbing into freshly washed sheets.

The taste of watermelon in the summer.

A back tickle.

Pink and purple sunsets.

The feeling of holding a newborn.

A first kiss after along absence.

Birds singing a morning song.

Waking up to calves bawling for their mothers.

Butterflies the night before a big day.

The smell of sun tan lotion.

The last final before summer vacation.

Condensation covered ice water.

The smell of babies out of the bath.

Shaved legs in soft sweats.

Seeing your grandpa as he was 20 years ago, giggling and bright eyed.

The smell of mud as you drive your four-wheeler through a ditch.

Smelling roses.

Seeing a baby deer.

Laying in bed after a long day.

The smell of rain.

The Ache

When the sting of the hot water hides the sting in your eyes,

Salt in wounds, re opened everyday.

To remind you, you’re not you anymore.

And I’m tired of telling everyone I’m OK,

I want to scream IM NOT OK.

But they don’t understand, no one could.

When they ask how I feel, where it hurts…

I feel like I was just punched in the gut with every bit of food I take,

Not to mention the feeling of glass cutting your esophagus rolling straight into your lungs so that later… when you hiccup? They can cut your ribs.

Oh and don’t worry about breathing...

Feeling a vice around my sternum that retaliates at me truing to take a deep breath, only to tighten harder on both my heart and spine, shooting stars outward, along every single rib front and back.

And don’t be confused by the beauty of shooting starts.

I literally mean, a burning ball of gas slowly dying into the atmosphere.

And then there’s that lump, in the back of your throat, scared to tell anyone you’re scared because that means you’re anxious and stressed.

Well hell yes I have anxiety!

I have anxiety that ill always feel this way.

I have anxiety that my husband is seeing me more and more as fragile. Weak.

Rather than the woman he chose to marry who was independent. Strong.

Capable. No one to mess with.

It was all taken from me.. I didn’t choose this.