Low Valley Days

When the sting of the hot water 

hides the sting in your eyes and

you feel the salt hit your wounds, 

only to be re-opened everyday.

The salt reminds you, 

you’re not you anymore.

And I’m tired of telling everyone I’m OK,

But they don’t understand. 

No one could.

When they ask "how I feel," and "where it hurts"...and they want to know, "What are your "Low Valley Days" like?" 

So, let me just tell you... 

1. The feeling of glass cutting my esophagus as I swallow, that rolls straight into my lungs....so that later… when I hiccup? 

They cut my ribs.

2. Swallowing feels like sand paper and the food passes over my bleeding ulcers.... then it makes it's way down into my throat where more ulcers await. 

I'd rather scream until my throat dies. 

Then...at least I would be in control of why my throat is full of blood.  

3. Then the food I've just eaten hits my stomach, and it punches me hard enough to double me over. Which means that, of course, there isn't another bite after that... 

"I'm full," I say.

4. Oh and don’t worry about breathing...The feeling of a vice around my sternum that retaliates as I attempt to take a deep breath.... because that's when the spasms hit. 

And they tighten down on my spine... and then my heart.

I feel like I'm choking on pain.  

5. For 3 years, 5 months and X number of days, I've seen so many shooting stars. Inside and Out... I feel them along every rib...front and back and Shining from the unshed tears of my loved ones who surround my hospital bed... and there have been soooo sooo many hospital beds. 

Please don’t be confused by the beauty of these shooting stars.

I literally mean a burning ball of gas slowly dying into the atmosphere...

Don't you dare make a wish on this one.

6. And although sometimes I dream and pray to be numb.... that's when the REAL numbness hits. And it hits hard. Making my legs feel like a thousand pounds... being taken on "walks" so that I don't forget how to stand or walk on my own. Humiliating. 

I have to sit down in my standing shower and let the water disguise my pain. 

Watching the tears disappear into the drain. One by one.

7. Then, there’s that lump... the lump in the back of my throat. When I'm trying so hard to not wake my blissfully unaware spouse. 

I suffocate as I hold in the sob that's trying desperately to escape. 

I fall asleep beneath salted pillowcases almost nightly. 

8. The sympathy looks I get from my friends and family. Because I'm not "me" anymore... 

They are seeing me as fragile; Weak.

Rather than the woman who was independent. 

Strong. Capable. No one to mess with.

9. PTSD. It's real and it's a monster I hate to describe. 

But if anyone else experienced those horrors that replay in my mind late at night.... You and I would have a shared look in our eyes when someone casually mentions a hospital.

10. And the fear... the fear of telling anyone that "YES... I'm terrified." 

Because that means I'm weak.

It means I don't have faith. 

That I don't trust my doctors... 

my family... Heavenly Father. 

But most of all, I'm scared that I'll always be this way. 

And yeah, today... I'm gonna play the "victim" card... because when you've experienced some of the horrors that I have... not once, not twice, but THREE horrific traumas? 

Yes, today, I can be a victim. 

It was all taken from me... I didn’t choose this. 

And, today, I'm scared.

AND THIS.... is my "Low Valley Day."

Her Country Roads Lead Me Home

She taught me how to drive. 

And She taught me how to cuss.

She taught me what hard 

work looks like.

And She taught me how to load more than just a dishwasher.


…Her country roads showed me my home.







She taught me that at the end of each day,
It’s OK if my feet were dirty and my hair was a mess…
as long as my eyes were sparkling like Her stars.

…Her country roads taught me about home. 

 She taught me that girls never retreat; we reload.
And She made me believe that whatever doesn’t kill me, better run.
So don’t let the makeup and perfume confuse you now,
She’s taught me how to go from makeup to mud in 3 seconds flat.


…Her country roads reminded me of home.

Because the outside of a mountain is good for the inside of a Girl.
She has made music for those who are patient enough to listen.
and Her heartbeat can be felt in the water, trickling down the creek by that old dirt road.
And at night, Her clear Big Skies sprinkle diamonds in my hair.


...Because Her country roads lead me back home.

Some may call Her the middle of nowhere,
But I call Her the center of my world.
My home is deep in the trees, at the roots of Her Mountains.
And She may not be Heaven, but you can surely see it from here.

Because Her country roads will always be my home.

#GetUp10 #RanchGirlsDoItRIGHT #CountryGirl #Home #GodsCountry #LastBestPlace #Montana #StrongWomen #HardWork #GirlsandGuns #Reload #Unbreakable #BigSkyCountry #BigHoleValley #FishingGirls #HorsesFixEverything

* "She" is synonymous for "He" in this piece; referring to my Dad. The Ranch has always been "our" place and we hold Her a little closer to our hearts. And so, in extension, "She" wasn't the only one teaching me these things... but My Daddy did!!

Surround Yourself with Greatness

I just have to take the time to thank those of you who have sent SOO many amazing videos (of all different kinds!), those who have taken the time to come visit me both in/out of the hospital, those who have sang to me (My friends have SERIOUS talent!!!), those who have sent me packages full of goodies, those who have delivered my Acai bowls, DairyQueen or even kettle corn (S/O to the Zazzys!! 😂), those who have played with or have done my hair, those who have sent me notes and gifts and flowers.... and WOW! THANK YOU. Here are some favorites...

 

 

I am continuously humbled by the magnitude of selfless people around me. I am so blessed to be surrounded by greatness. I have aspired, throughout my whole life, to truly "Surround Myself with Greatness," or in other words, attract and surround myself with those who will continuously push me to be my best and inspire me to be a little better every single day. Through this trial, I have seen over and over and OVER again just how amazing my friends and family really are.  I'm speechless.

Here are a few examples of that GREATNESS I'm talking about: 

(Great Friend and Family, John Michael Montgomery and crew on the road - wishing me well!)

(Boise State Teammates singing to me in the hospital)

(My Amazing and FAVORITE Boys Volleyball team from Arizona saying hello 💛)

(Boise State Teammates singing to me in the hospital)

(My Boise State Volleyball Teammates wishing me well 💙)

 

(My Niece and Nephew telling me to feel better (and no, I don't have a snake? hahah

Duke- 5, Tatum- 3)

(BFFs & Brought me countless bags of Kettle Corn and Acai Bowls, Juan and Haley Zazueta 💛💞)

 

 

(Boise State Teammates singing to me in the hospital, they sang for over an HOUR... 

AMAZING TALENT)

 

(My ASU team finishing up our season without me, sending me love and well wishes)

(My father in law, Randy, is an incredible pianist but it's impossible to convince him to play for an audience... it took a trip to the hospital to get it!! Worth the wait.)

(Very close and dear Family Friends, Shara and little Jane -- she made me a bracelet posted above)

 (And last but ABSOLUTELY not least, my great friend WALKER MONTGOMERY (aka Aladdin) (Son of John Michael Montgomery) and incredible upcoming artist - go listen to his new single, "Simple Town")

Even in some of my darkest hours, I knew I was never truly alone. Not once did I question if I had support or wonder if I was walking this journey alone. I have had love and support and daily reminders that "my people" were always waiting on the sidelines cheering me on, as I ran this race toward recovery. 

This is nowhere near all of the countless photos and videos and gifts I received but I wanted to send out a HUGE THANK YOU, from the bottom of my heart and share a few of my favorites (that I watched COUNTLESS times; at ALL hours of the day/night).

 Your prayers have been felt and they ARE answered. 

I love you all!! Thank you!!