Hakuna Matata

The Devil and Vinny are playing some nasty games... and they’re cheaters.  

I’ve tried so hard to be strong this month. And I succeeded until about 3 days ago when the dam just wasn’t quite strong enough anymore and I drown in my tears. It’s hard to admit you’re weak, but I choose to be weak right now. I’m trying to rebuild myself and stand back up from my favorite landing place; rock bottom, once again.

Several of the most basic necessities to survive have been taken from me.
I’d like to introduce you all to my “ARCH ENEMIES OF THE MONTH...”
FOOD and SLEEP 

Curse you.  

Beginning around mid February, I was unable to eat a full meal for 16 days straight, rapidly lost over 17 lbs and was threatened with a feeding tube by Mr. Doc. I was surviving on dry cereal, pretzels, and water. After those fun 16 days, I have now been able to eat a FULL small dinner each night!!  

 So, for the past month, we have small dinners and every other meal is full of more water and pretzels. Luckily, doctors have ruled out my appendix, my gallbladder (phew!), and my kidneys/liver are looking just dandy. We knew the rampant inflammation was attacking my organs and GI tract but they’re taking a bigger beating than we initially thought. Mr. GI DOC has a “double scope” procedure scheduled to look at my beautiful sparkly insides.  During the procedure, he will be taking biopsies for food allergies, ulcers, cancer, and tumors as well as looking for signs of celiac or crohn’s disease. 

Moving forward....

Alas, my beauty sleep has also taken a SHARP decline (as my cracked mirror has told me) and I’m suffering greatly from it. My nights consist of staring at a dark ceiling counting sheep, and deer, and tigers, and hell.... UNICORNS!!! 
But no animal, mythical or not, is helping put my body to sleep.
Doctors have tried numerous over the counter sleep aids but to no avail... the pain is just too great to fully relax. Fortunately, those survival instincts finally kick in at about 3 or 4 am each morning and I finally get a little shut eye..... with PTSD filled nightmares of hospitals, needles, and probably some evil unicorns that I’d been silently cursing all night.

My pain has also increased substantially and most days revolve around trying to find creative ways to cushion my golden throne, (ie: recliner) in the living room. By the sheer number of pillows and blankets I have around me, it might as well have been a cloud for all I know... but hey, a girls got needs...

With the pain, my migraine headaches and inter cranial pressure has gotten really bothersome again but this time, my vision has taken a big hit. Either that, or my mom really was telling the truth when I was little that I needed to eat more carrots.

Lastly, I got to sit in another throne (of sorts) at the wondrous dental office to check out my bleeding ulcers/sores that have appeared in my mouth and down my throat again. Nothing we can do about them besides some numbing mouth wash when I finally start eating again.

SO!! (Here’s the good part!!) I am in Montana for the weekend to see my wonderful Pain Management doc where he literally CAN make me feel like I’m floating on a cloud. I get to have a few Ketamine Nerve Infusions to give my nerves a little R&R spa day. 

The Nerve Infusions include an administration of anesthesia directly into my veins, targeting the central nervous system. The idea is to basically make my nerves “shut down” or fall asleep and then "restart” them. I feel no pain, no headaches, no burning nerves, no spasms... nothing, for nearly 2 hours and then for about 5-8 hours after treatment. After each treatment, the lasting effects last for longer and longer time periods, eventually never going away. 

This isn’t easy and nothing is clear but I know God is Great. Our Savior has felt the pain I’m feeling now and knows, intimately, what I’m experiencing. I have faith in His power. Christ has faced this and won.... so why can’t I? He is with me; holding my hand, showing me the way and very often carrying me when I’m no longer strong enough to stand. With Him, I can be brave and I can be strong. With him.... I can still SHINE.  With HIM, I have NO WORRIES.  

#HakunaMatata 

#GetUp10#ClimblingMountains#Montana#PushingForward#KetamineInfusions#NerveWerk#GodisGreat#UnicornsTho#GLITTERlining

The Hardest Climbs

The best views come from the hardest climbs... 🌄

Cindy climbed this peak, at 11,000 ft., for the first time after having open heart surgery to have a tumor removed. This photo was also my 6 month anniversary after my 1st hospitalization and was still fighting a viral infection in my spine and central nervous system. 

Small victories and HUGE victories (like 11,000 ft victories...) should be CELEBRATED! ✨ 

 We are powerful beyond measure... nothing will ever dull our sparkle. ✨

#GetUp10 #ClimbingMountains #MountainGirls #SHINE #Sparkle #GLITTERlining ✨ #MontanaFamily #Montana #LastBestPlace #SmallVictories #BabySteps #OneStepataTime
#GetUp #KeepFighting #ChallengeAccepted 

I'm Complete

 

Someday, everything will make perfect sense. 

                                                                                               

But for now...I’m trying to laugh at the confusion, smile through the tears, and keep reminding myself that everything happens for a reason. 🌈☀️

Luckily, I have HIM by my side. Laughing until we cry and crying until we laugh.

              

             

                                                       

I wish I could explain to him just how much the love in his eyes means to me or how his voice soothes the roughest of waves inside of me, and anytime I’m with him... I’m no longer broken; I’m complete. 

💋✨💋✨

#CheesyPost #MushyMushPost #SorryNotSorry #LovesBabes #ILikeEmbarrassingHim #GlitterLinings #SeeingOurRainbow #EternalCompanions #PartnerForLife

I'm Fighting. That's All that Matters.

Many who know us know that I have been battling my own personal battle in health for 3 years now and am currently on the road to recovery after ROUND 3.

I was blessed to been given Round 3 of my neurological/spinal virus (Often referred to as “Vinny the Virus”) and have since procured a few more diagnostics including; PoTS, severe vitamin deficiencies, as well as rampant and chronic inflammation in my muscle tissue, nerves, organs and now my brain.

And I know what you’re thinking…. Did you just say BLESSED?! Yes... because that just means that God knew I was strong enough. He knew WE were strong enough.

This past month has been a grind in my road to recovery though. It seems like I take two steps forward and ten steps back. Throughout my life I’ve always said, that I may get knocked down 9 times, but I’ll always Get Up 10. Well... lately it seems I’ve been knocked down 11.... or 20 times…

Over the past two years the only resounding feeling I’ve had is that I’m broken. That I’m never going to be the same as I was before this virus attacked my spine and central nervous system. That I’ll never get back to my former self.... and I was right.

I’ll never be that person again. She’s long gone. She was weak. She didn’t know how strong she really was. She didn’t know how to fight day in and day out with inner demons and extreme physical pain. She didn’t appreciate the simple pleasures in life. She was scared of the unknown and the unplanned. 

But this is me now. Broken or not... but stronger than I’ve ever been inside.
I know, undoubtedly, that only through the Atonement we can return, perfectly, to our Father in Heaven. I’m a long way from perfect but I’m also a long way from broken. I’m whole, I’m stronger and I’m fighting. And for now, that’s all that matters.

Yes, I have endured some things that I wouldn’t wish upon my worst enemy, but the level of support and love I have had surrounding me in unparalleled. I have an amazing family, incredible friends and support systems and most importantly; a ROCK of a husband who has had to hold me up (sometimes literally) throughout the entirety of our marriage. And yet, here he is, still holding me up. I don't know how or why I was so lucky to find someone as strong, brave, selfless, and courageous as he is or to be surrounded with TRUE “GREATNESS,” but despite it all, I am blessed. Here’s to continued healing and the road of recovery #3 with my eternal sweetheart and my family by my side yet again.

Coincidentally, I got an email from my amazing brother in the mission field. His closing thoughts to the family were as simple as this: “Keep grinding. I know the world is crazy, but as we focus on the Lord, it will seem a lot less crazy!!”

So here’s to you Rhetter.... For now, I’m just going to “keep grinding.”

#round3#knockmedown9times#getup10
#roadtorecovery#eternalcompanions#familyisforever

Get Up 10

...Our Story...

 
As a young athlete or daughter, you naturally look up to your mother, especially if your mother is a Hall of Fame, Division 1, Olympic Barcelona Hopeful volleyball player. So, for as long as I can remember, she was my “10.” SHE was the perfect score, the perfect person to mimic and aspire to become when I finally grew into my spandex and “kneepadders.” And ironically enough, that’s just the number she wore, as she represented herself, her team, her family and her country; #10.

As I began playing on small club teams, we made our way up to the National Level and I soon became a member of several very elite teams throughout my grade school and middle school years; naturally and proudly wearing Jersey #10, just as my mother had.

I trained, and I began to lift, I ate correctly, and I stayed away from drugs and alcohol; all the while looking at those faded USA Jerseys hanging on the wall with that 1-0 staring me down. Everyday, I’d pass those jerseys on my way to my bedroom; sweaty and tired, with blood stained hips and kneepads, sometimes even with tear streaked cheeks. But no matter what kind of day it was, when I walked by those jerseys, I held my head just a little bit higher as I passed.

Fast-forward several years, as I continued to train relentlessly, to be ranked as one of the best of the best. I didn’t always have record breaking nights on the court, but whenever I started to doubt myself or internalize negative thoughts, I would hear my mother from the crowd. She would yell “Get UP 10!!” every time I approached to hit the ball. She not only wanted me to quite literally “get UP,” as I jumped in the air for another attempted side out or kill, but she also wanted me to “get up” out of my personal pity party and start acting like a champion; start acting like a 10.

As I continued to grow and learn more about the wonderful sport of volleyball, I came to realize and understand how much of volleyball is truly a game of mistakes. It’s a game of trying to see how long you can go without making an error. So at some point, a mistake will be made. It doesn’t matter if it’s a big mistake or a small mistake… the other team will still get the point. Although understanding this aspect of the game is important, the key concept here is that everyone is going to make a mistake, but it’s whether you get back up and keep fighting is the difference between good players and great players. At an early age, I was taught and inherently knew, deep down in my gut, that even if the opponent was able to somehow “Knock me down 9 times… I would always Get Up 10.”

Throughout my high school volleyball career, I was blessed to find great success. I was able to win several State Championships, as well as go on to do what no single player has ever done in the state of Utah thus far; I swept every award or title there was to earn in the state of Utah, including but not limited to; Utah’s Ms. Volleyball, Utah’s MVP, Utah’s Offensive Player of the Year, Utah’s Gatorade Player of the Year, and finally, my most awarding accomplishment; earned a spot of the USA Women’s Junior National Team. After many long weeks of training, we were able to go on to defeat the Dominican Republic for the Gold Medal during the USA Championships. Later, we traveled to the NORCECA Championships in Managua, Nicaragua and returned to the United States with yet another medal.

Throughout this blessed and triumphant period in my career, I was able to wear #10 on my back, with pride. But most importantly, before every game, I would take a black Sharpie to write my {now} personal Life Mantra on the inside of my right wrist; it simply said: “Get Up 10.” With this, I was able to look down between plays and remember; I was playing for something bigger than myself, I represented my team, my family, my name, and just like my mom; the United States of America.
 

So, for every match, every set, and every point I tried to emulate just what those words said. I wanted to “get up” or ‘elevate’ my game to the level my mother did. I wanted to “get up” every single game and be prepared to play mindfully and passionately for my team. But most importantly, I knew in my heart that even if I happened to get “knocked down 9 times… I would always ‘Get Up 10.’”

 

 

Scars of Strength

 

Strength.

That’s the word I think of when I think of the last 3 years.

The strong ones are not those who win battles fought in front of us but those who win battles we know nothing about.

Smiles can hide so much.

Fear, pain, sadness, tears.

But then again, they reflect only one thing:

strength

 

But there’s this weird double standard with strength,

and it includes knowing you can’t be strong all the time.

That’s the thing about pain, it demands to be felt.

So when you need to speak your mind, speak it.

Even if your voice shakes.

And you never truly know how strong you are until
being strong is the only choice you have, but today…

I choose to be weak.

As my friend Hazel Grace once said,

Let’s talk about math.

I’m not a mathematician, but I do know this:

There are an infinite amount of numbers between 0 and 1.

There’s .1 and .2 and .112 and an infinite set of numbers between 0 and 2,  or even more between 0 and one million.

Some infinites are bigger than other infinites.

There are days, many of them,

when I resent the size of our life’s unbounded sets.

And I wanted more numbers than what I got.

But I AM grateful for the numbers I did get with to share my light, my fire, with the world.

I got a little infinity.

You see, here on earth we all want to be remembered.

And we will be.

It’s nearly impossible to not leave your mark,

but unfortunately some of those marks are scars.

And some argue that it’s not fair that some

peoples’ scars and marks are lesser than others.

Arguably, some scars left are just simply deeper as opposed to longer.

Training left deep scars.

Scars of love and life and hope and once in a lifetime experiences.

But I am strong, and I had a choice.

I chose to turn my face to the sun and let the shadows fall behind me rather than in front of me.

I have finally grasped the fact that unexpected things are going to happen in life.

I’m done talking about math so who cares about the numbers…

Let’s move to art.
Kizzy Willey-Ricedorff, 1994 - 2018.

So…the line.

Or we’ll just call it a dash.

The two numbers mark the beginning and the end….

But the dash is what really matters.

How will I choose to live within MY dash?

The dash represents all the time I get to spend here, making my mark.

Although small on the grave, the dash holds it’s very own infinity.

Some may see memorials as just a day in their lifetime,

but it’s really a lifetime in a day.

The saying truly stands,

“In the end, it’s not the years in your life that count but the life in your years.”

The dash; my life’s personal infinity.

I wish to live each day to it’s fullest, never wanting to slow down.

I will face each day without fear of the future.

And I know I'll want everyone surrounding me to do the same someday,

as I watch over from above.

So take no day for granted and live life unremitted.

When we cry, dry your eyes because better days are sure to come.

When we smile, smile wide, because the pain will soon be gone.

When we laugh, laugh out loud, because it will carry to others who need our love.

When we see, see the beauty of our life and in ourselves.

When we pray, pray for strength in our trials.

And then each morning when we wake, we can say, “Lets do this.”

#GetUp10 #ScarsOfStrength #LetsDoThis #Strength #Shine #GlitterLining ✨ #NothingCanDullMySparkle #ShineBRIGHT ✨