I Want to Shine

“Don’t shine so that others may see you…shine so that through you, others may see Him.”

I want to shine. I want to be that girl who walks in the room and makes everyone smile. I want to light a room without saying a word. I’ll give all that I am just to emanate His light and His goodness. The one who always takes the good from the bad and she literally radiates happiness, strength, independence, confidence, love, and surety. I want to shine. And who am I not to share this light? It’s hard to be an example of something I am not, but I am a Daughter of God. Brilliant, gorgeous, talented, caring. I am powerful beyond measure. There is nothing brilliant in shrinking so that others don’t feel insecure around me. We were meant to rise up our voices and give everything we got. I was born to make manifest the glories of our God. I am a light on a hill. And as I let my own light shine, it will give others the confidence to do the same. And I’ll be all I can be through Him and with Him, so I can give it to others and go and do what I promised Him. When the battles of this life are through, He’ll take me and call me faithful, His daughter, a fighter for his righteous army, a gatherer of souls. I am ready to stand at the edge, seeing darkness below and have enough faith to jump and know that there will either be something solid below me or I will learn to fly. Courage and faith are not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than that fear. I have been torn down 9 times in my life but I have the courage, THE FAITH, to stand a little taller. Scars have the power to remind us that our past was real but that we were stronger than whatever tried to hurt us. For “yea, I know that I am nothing; as to my strength I am weak; therefore I will not boast of myself, but I will boast of my God, for in his strength I can do all things.” Through Christ and the atonement, scars are healed, both physically and spiritually. The plan reclaims each and every one of us if only we seek to find that light that resonates in every single one of us. I will be a pure stream. I will give unconditionally and emit these rays with the light of Christ in my eyes.  It was my destiny to win, I was never meant to fail and therefore I WILL not fail. I’ll know my way and hold to that ray of light. I will shine. Because of Him.

It's the Little Things

When you wake up to a sky as blue as cotton candy.

The whitest, fluffiest clouds you’ve ever seen.

Smelling the blossoming flowers.

Chocolate.

Witnessing a child’s innocence.

Someone tells you that you look tan.

Feeling the prickling feeling of the sun burning your skin.

Sliding on those old worn out blue jeans that fit like a glove.

Knowing you have absolutely nothing to do all day.

Your husband’s hand on your lower back.

Cuddling a child as they sleep.

Warming up by a bon fire.

Hearing crickets chirp.

Smelling boat gasoline.

Watching an old man grab his wife’s hand as they walk.

Hearing your favorite song on the radio.

Island music.

The lake lapping at the sides of a boat while you lay on the dock.

Walking into an arena with thousands of people.

Wearing oversized hoodies.

Hearing a child’s shrill laugh followed by a splash.

Hitting every green light.

The smell of Christmas cinnamon and oranges.

Forehead kisses.

Watching fireworks under a blanket.

Hearing thunder echo in the timber.

Surprises.

Getting the game winning point.

The smell of your mom.

Feeling a cool breeze on a hot day.

Climbing into freshly washed sheets.

The taste of watermelon in the summer.

A back tickle.

Pink and purple sunsets.

The feeling of holding a newborn.

A first kiss after along absence.

Birds singing a morning song.

Waking up to calves bawling for their mothers.

Butterflies the night before a big day.

The smell of sun tan lotion.

The last final before summer vacation.

Condensation covered ice water.

The smell of babies out of the bath.

Shaved legs in soft sweats.

Seeing your grandpa as he was 20 years ago, giggling and bright eyed.

The smell of mud as you drive your four-wheeler through a ditch.

Smelling roses.

Seeing a baby deer.

Laying in bed after a long day.

The smell of rain.

The Ache

When the sting of the hot water hides the sting in your eyes,

Salt in wounds, re opened everyday.

To remind you, you’re not you anymore.

And I’m tired of telling everyone I’m OK,

I want to scream IM NOT OK.

But they don’t understand, no one could.

When they ask how I feel, where it hurts…

I feel like I was just punched in the gut with every bit of food I take,

Not to mention the feeling of glass cutting your esophagus rolling straight into your lungs so that later… when you hiccup? They can cut your ribs.

Oh and don’t worry about breathing...

Feeling a vice around my sternum that retaliates at me truing to take a deep breath, only to tighten harder on both my heart and spine, shooting stars outward, along every single rib front and back.

And don’t be confused by the beauty of shooting starts.

I literally mean, a burning ball of gas slowly dying into the atmosphere.

And then there’s that lump, in the back of your throat, scared to tell anyone you’re scared because that means you’re anxious and stressed.

Well hell yes I have anxiety!

I have anxiety that ill always feel this way.

I have anxiety that my husband is seeing me more and more as fragile. Weak.

Rather than the woman he chose to marry who was independent. Strong.

Capable. No one to mess with.

It was all taken from me.. I didn’t choose this.

Slow Love

I drank in his silence like water after a high run

Dizzy, exhilarating. Staring at the sun.

I’m nervous.

What did it take to deserve this?

You searched for the real me

Ready to learn, eager to see

Eyes dancing with life and light

Searching and fighting an inner fight.

The fullness drowned me.

Where did this road lead?

I fell for all of him, intense waters of blue.

His steady, cool composure while I burned a bright hue.

He set me on fire,

His Constance, the desire.

My ears burned for his steady heartbeat

His perseverance, playing for keep.

His slow love. Fingers lingering above my skin.

Exploring, not hunger. Love wasn’t outer, but in.

He lifted my soul as we walked,

His quiet confidence, no need for talk.

He held steady, my hands were shaking,

My heart was already yours for the taking.

My blood danced when his breath passed through mine,

His kiss left me full and empty all at the same time.

Giving me everything but taking a whole heart,
after the first time, I knew we’d never be apart.

Blank Pages

Our hands lingered as I fell in love… and he smiled because he knew.

I had a paperback heart, creased by a tough few years and present heartaches.

The colors had faded in some chapters and my spine was worn out and weak.

I was anxious to see my book in good hands for once.

And he kissed my wounds, seeing them as cracks to put his love in rather than scars.

I have lost myself in the one I love, but I found myself too.

So now I sit here, fingers hovering over keys, staring at a blank page and a few messy lines.

But my thoughts are stars I cannot fathom into constellations.

For once, I’m speechless.

So I think I’ll just start with our story.

It’s the one that starts with me blushing shy and his eyes smiling under long lashes… And then…

We were together. So I forgot the rest.

I always found beauty in things that were imperfect- they are much more interesting and that made him my kind of perfect.

And ever since then, he’s been my best distraction.

I craved him in the most innocent form.

I craved to say goodnight and feel his lips brush my forehead.

And to hear him say that he adores me when I feel my worst.

Craved for him to be the one I’ll always know.

I craved him in ways where I just wanted to be next to him and nothing more or less.

He wanted to say ‘I love you’ but kept it to goodnight because love would mean some falling and he knew she’s afraid of heights.

His love was a risk. What if it doesn’t work out? Ah, but what if it does.

What’s the point of life if you don’t at least try to do something remarkable?

No body gets to choose if they get hurt in this world, but they do have some say in who hurts them.

I like my choices.

And honestly, it would be my privilege to have my heart broken by him.

I’m in love with him and I’m not in the business of denying myself the simple pleasure of saying true things.

I fell in love with the way he fell asleep, slowly, and then all at once.

I fell in love with his courage, the sincerity and his unremitted love.

I fell in love with his eyes, seeing me when he looked.

He let me be a fool with him.

He was the beginning of everything.

He combined the world’s most intimate feelings into one coursing current and demanded my heart to feel it too.

Passion, love, madness, desire, tenderness.

The sure sign of his strength was how gently he loved his girl.

Me.

So as I try to write down our story in ink, I’m looking at this page, but it’s still empty.

Society says that "love" is the word.

But lovce only leads to a feeling described and defined. So with him...

Some things are just better left to be felt. 

Somebody to Love

We climbed and stood, high on that tower

In the blinding heat as the sun went down, we didn’t ask for it’s return

Like gasoline on an open flame, we lit up so bright

Scared you’d fly away; I’d fall apart as you looked the other way.

But the only thing I’d need was this to not be a dream.

And now you’re every breath I breathe. And it’s so hard

You give me a reason to hope, a reason to smile as I still stand here,

Maybe you’re the glimpse of the road, the patch of blue sky that I have believed in.

I just need somebody to love, somebody to love, just need you to hold me; don’t let go.

I need somebody to love.

And it’s easy to say, that we can make it ‘cuz it’s black and white.

Someday, we’ll make it.

But we’re young and drunk on this blinded love.

And our day came slow, and fell behind us, the dam broke down and the river surged.

You were on your knees, looking right at me.

And you’re all the things I need; it feels just like a dream.

With every breath you breathe, you show me.

You’re my somebody to love, somebody to love and always be right there.

You’re my glimpse of the road, the patch of blue sky that I had believed in.

You’re my somebody to love, somebody to love, somebody who holds me; don’t let go.

I found the one to love.

And I said baby, it’s alright, come lay here, open up your eyes,

I’ve fallen now, and you have picked me up.

And I said baby, it’s alright, come and lay here, open up your eyes,

We’ve both fallen now, and I can pick you up.

You’re my somebody to love, somebody to love and always be right there.

He’s a glimpse of my life, a patch of blue sky, the one I believed in.

Needed someone to love, you’re someone to love, somebody to hold me; don’t let go.

I found the one that I love.

And I said hold up, it’s alright, come and lay here, open up your eyes

We fell down, and you will pick me up.

And I said hold up, it’s alright, come and lay here, open up your eyes

We fell down, and I will pick you up.

Country Leaks Out

Another dry hot day comes and goes away,

I just wanna go home.

I close my eyes and damn, this was my favorite view, looking down over those sprinklers and red barns.

To just sit there and laugh.

Memorizing the stars while we finished another pop from the town pump.

We cruise down Main Street just about as fast as ol’ Sheila can go, speeding at 28 mph.

But it’s a Friday night, so the town shuts down early to see our team.

And those cheers are heard from across town, ‘cause we just scored again.

I open my eyes and take in the city lights from my third story building, only hearing the desert buzz.

And that’s when the country leaks out…

My eyes drift close and see those yellow lights start to flash and it means that I better head on home.

Decorated storefronts and a rusty John Deer in a backyard.

Our feet swing from a dropped tailgate as dust kicks at our shoes,

Singing along to Hank Jr. and Shania.

We meet up at Pizza Hut to grab a slice before we head to our swimming hole

A car horn beeps to bring me back; gazing out over blacktop and the polluted city limits.

And that’s when the country leaks out…

I close my eyes one last time and breathe in…instead of exhaust and asphalt; I smell a wet dirt road after a summer shower that holds a million memories,

pressing that clutch to jam her into 4th to get home for curfew,

after the bon fire and some s’mores

And that’s when the country leaks out…

Find me a plane bound north.

Back to the mountains, back to the grass.

To break my back; scars from barbed wire and hiking.

And I’m proud to say I’m country.

A Saturday night with my crew by my side, a midnight dip and I’ll be ok.

And that’s how the country leaked out…