Bring me Back

Chills in my veins.

They're hollow and brittle,

my spine shrinks away

from my shivering heart.

I feel numb and useless.

my world isn't mine,

people just live around me.

My Story

That morning, I knew my plot. 

And I knew who I was.

But a few things have changed since then.

My pages are damp, ripping along the edges.

Suddenly, all of my stars were falling and at that exact moment;

everything. single. thing. about my story changed.

Forever.

You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have, 

for 6 months, and thousands of pages.

For so long, I had a chapter that I couldn't read aloud.

And suddenly, another chapter was added to that list. 100 pages.

There are two types of pains; one that hurts you and others that change you.

The pain I felt hanging on for the one thing that just dropped me... 

Well, sometimes you get the brightest light from a burning bridge. 

I was no longer a prisoner of something I couldn't change.

And they tried to bury me, but didn't know I was a seed.

I came to a point where I knew I needed to just fall apart.

I needed the opportunity to rebuild myself the way I wished I'd been all along.

And years from now, in retrospect, these times of struggle will strike me as the most beautiful.

Everyone has been through something that has changed them in a way that they could never go back to the person they were before. 

And now I can tell my story without crying, so I know I've healed. 

Life is tough, but oh, so am I.

This work is tough enough, and they'll judge you and tear you down no matter what.

I don't know the key to happiness but the key to failure is trying to please everyone else. 

In the end, the only ones who truly care are the ones who hear you when you're quiet.

But sometimes what you're most afraid of doing is the very thing that will set you free.

I had to step back and find that there are so many beautiful reasons to be happy.

A smile is even more brilliant when it has struggled through tears.

How we walk when we are broken speaks louder than how we sit while we are great.

So life knocked me down 9 times, but this time.... I rolled over to look at the stars.

Now I'm thankful for my struggle because without it, I wouldn't have stumbled across my strengths.

No one will ever dull my sparkle. 

I continue to shine.

The difference now is that I believed I could;

so I did.

Nothing will ever dim an inner light 

and I will win, not immediately, but definitely.

What it Takes

I can feel the hollowness in my chest,

but everyone said it's for the best.

And I'm out here drowning

hiding my pain with smiles, never growing.

And I watch with troubled eyes as you rest,

and slip away with every breath.

I stare at the stars above and wonder

if I'm still the one you're dreaming of.

Cuz underneath the darkness, my light is trying so hard to be seen...

I know this, cuz there's a little bit shining through my seams.

It's all been taken

and I've never been so shaken.

But if this is what it takes, I'll be the one to bear the pain.

And if this is what it takes, 

I'll build up the wall that won't ever break.

You keep telling me that I'll be fine,

but I'm barely treading water and you're

never home on time.

I don't even know what I'm trying to do,

I just know, I'm a fool for you.

Cuz underneath, this darkness,

Our light is trying so hard to be seen.
And I knew us, and I've noticed a little

bit shining through our seams...

And I've been through all this pain,

Cuz nothing is the same.

But this is what it takes. 

And I may not understand yet,

but sometimes I forget

that I don't have to do this on my own.

You're my shoulder to lean on,

my right when I feel wrong. 

I need to take your hand and just move on..

And this is what it takes,

to let you be the one to bare my pain.

Break down my walls that are in your way 

That's what it'll take.  

I Want to Shine

“Don’t shine so that others may see you…shine so that through you, others may see Him.”

I want to shine. I want to be that girl who walks in the room and makes everyone smile. I want to light a room without saying a word. I’ll give all that I am just to emanate His light and His goodness. The one who always takes the good from the bad and she literally radiates happiness, strength, independence, confidence, love, and surety. I want to shine. And who am I not to share this light? It’s hard to be an example of something I am not, but I am a Daughter of God. Brilliant, gorgeous, talented, caring. I am powerful beyond measure. There is nothing brilliant in shrinking so that others don’t feel insecure around me. We were meant to rise up our voices and give everything we got. I was born to make manifest the glories of our God. I am a light on a hill. And as I let my own light shine, it will give others the confidence to do the same. And I’ll be all I can be through Him and with Him, so I can give it to others and go and do what I promised Him. When the battles of this life are through, He’ll take me and call me faithful, His daughter, a fighter for his righteous army, a gatherer of souls. I am ready to stand at the edge, seeing darkness below and have enough faith to jump and know that there will either be something solid below me or I will learn to fly. Courage and faith are not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than that fear. I have been torn down 9 times in my life but I have the courage, THE FAITH, to stand a little taller. Scars have the power to remind us that our past was real but that we were stronger than whatever tried to hurt us. For “yea, I know that I am nothing; as to my strength I am weak; therefore I will not boast of myself, but I will boast of my God, for in his strength I can do all things.” Through Christ and the atonement, scars are healed, both physically and spiritually. The plan reclaims each and every one of us if only we seek to find that light that resonates in every single one of us. I will be a pure stream. I will give unconditionally and emit these rays with the light of Christ in my eyes.  It was my destiny to win, I was never meant to fail and therefore I WILL not fail. I’ll know my way and hold to that ray of light. I will shine. Because of Him.

It's the Little Things

When you wake up to a sky as blue as cotton candy.

The whitest, fluffiest clouds you’ve ever seen.

Smelling the blossoming flowers.

Chocolate.

Witnessing a child’s innocence.

Someone tells you that you look tan.

Feeling the prickling feeling of the sun burning your skin.

Sliding on those old worn out blue jeans that fit like a glove.

Knowing you have absolutely nothing to do all day.

Your husband’s hand on your lower back.

Cuddling a child as they sleep.

Warming up by a bon fire.

Hearing crickets chirp.

Smelling boat gasoline.

Watching an old man grab his wife’s hand as they walk.

Hearing your favorite song on the radio.

Island music.

The lake lapping at the sides of a boat while you lay on the dock.

Walking into an arena with thousands of people.

Wearing oversized hoodies.

Hearing a child’s shrill laugh followed by a splash.

Hitting every green light.

The smell of Christmas cinnamon and oranges.

Forehead kisses.

Watching fireworks under a blanket.

Hearing thunder echo in the timber.

Surprises.

Getting the game winning point.

The smell of your mom.

Feeling a cool breeze on a hot day.

Climbing into freshly washed sheets.

The taste of watermelon in the summer.

A back tickle.

Pink and purple sunsets.

The feeling of holding a newborn.

A first kiss after along absence.

Birds singing a morning song.

Waking up to calves bawling for their mothers.

Butterflies the night before a big day.

The smell of sun tan lotion.

The last final before summer vacation.

Condensation covered ice water.

The smell of babies out of the bath.

Shaved legs in soft sweats.

Seeing your grandpa as he was 20 years ago, giggling and bright eyed.

The smell of mud as you drive your four-wheeler through a ditch.

Smelling roses.

Seeing a baby deer.

Laying in bed after a long day.

The smell of rain.

The Ache

When the sting of the hot water hides the sting in your eyes,

Salt in wounds, re opened everyday.

To remind you, you’re not you anymore.

And I’m tired of telling everyone I’m OK,

I want to scream IM NOT OK.

But they don’t understand, no one could.

When they ask how I feel, where it hurts…

I feel like I was just punched in the gut with every bit of food I take,

Not to mention the feeling of glass cutting your esophagus rolling straight into your lungs so that later… when you hiccup? They can cut your ribs.

Oh and don’t worry about breathing...

Feeling a vice around my sternum that retaliates at me truing to take a deep breath, only to tighten harder on both my heart and spine, shooting stars outward, along every single rib front and back.

And don’t be confused by the beauty of shooting starts.

I literally mean, a burning ball of gas slowly dying into the atmosphere.

And then there’s that lump, in the back of your throat, scared to tell anyone you’re scared because that means you’re anxious and stressed.

Well hell yes I have anxiety!

I have anxiety that ill always feel this way.

I have anxiety that my husband is seeing me more and more as fragile. Weak.

Rather than the woman he chose to marry who was independent. Strong.

Capable. No one to mess with.

It was all taken from me.. I didn’t choose this.

Slow Love

I drank in his silence like water after a high run

Dizzy, exhilarating. Staring at the sun.

I’m nervous.

What did it take to deserve this?

You searched for the real me

Ready to learn, eager to see

Eyes dancing with life and light

Searching and fighting an inner fight.

The fullness drowned me.

Where did this road lead?

I fell for all of him, intense waters of blue.

His steady, cool composure while I burned a bright hue.

He set me on fire,

His Constance, the desire.

My ears burned for his steady heartbeat

His perseverance, playing for keep.

His slow love. Fingers lingering above my skin.

Exploring, not hunger. Love wasn’t outer, but in.

He lifted my soul as we walked,

His quiet confidence, no need for talk.

He held steady, my hands were shaking,

My heart was already yours for the taking.

My blood danced when his breath passed through mine,

His kiss left me full and empty all at the same time.

Giving me everything but taking a whole heart,
after the first time, I knew we’d never be apart.