Monday, March 12, 2018

Get Up 10

...Our Story...

 
As a young athlete or daughter, you naturally look up to your mother, especially if your mother is a Hall of Fame, Division 1, Olympic Barcelona Hopeful volleyball player. So, for as long as I can remember, she was my “10.” SHE was the perfect score, the perfect person to mimic and aspire to become when I finally grew into my spandex and “kneepadders.” And ironically enough, that’s just the number she wore, as she represented herself, her team, her family and her country; #10.


As I began playing on small club teams, we made our way up to the National Level and I soon became a member of several very elite teams throughout my grade school and middle school years; naturally and proudly wearing Jersey #10, just as my mother had.



I trained, and I began to lift, I ate correctly, and I stayed away from drugs and alcohol; all the while looking at those faded USA Jerseys hanging on the wall with that 1-0 staring me down. Everyday, I’d pass those jerseys on my way to my bedroom; sweaty and tired, with blood stained hips and kneepads, sometimes even with tear streaked cheeks. But no matter what kind of day it was, when I walked by those jerseys, I held my head just a little bit higher as I passed.


Fast-forward several years, as I continued to train relentlessly, to be ranked as one of the best of the best. I didn’t always have record breaking nights on the court, but whenever I started to doubt myself or internalize negative thoughts, I would hear my mother from the crowd. She would yell “Get UP 10!!” every time I approached to hit the ball. She not only wanted me to quite literally “get UP,” as I jumped in the air for another attempted side out or kill, but she also wanted me to “get up” out of my personal pity party and start acting like a champion; start acting like a 10.


As I continued to grow and learn more about the wonderful sport of volleyball, I came to realize and understand how much of volleyball is truly a game of mistakes. It’s a game of trying to see how long you can go without making an error. So at some point, a mistake will be made. It doesn’t matter if it’s a big mistake or a small mistake… the other team will still get the point. Although understanding this aspect of the game is important, the key concept here is that everyone is going to make a mistake, but it’s whether you get back up and keep fighting is the difference between good players and great players. At an early age, I was taught and inherently knew, deep down in my gut, that even if the opponent was able to somehow “Knock me down 9 times… I would always Get Up 10.”




Throughout my high school volleyball career, I was blessed to find great success. I was able to win several State Championships, as well as go on to do what no single player has ever done in the state of Utah thus far; I swept every award or title there was to earn in the state of Utah, including but not limited to; Utah’s Ms. Volleyball, Utah’s MVP, Utah’s Offensive Player of the Year, Utah’s Gatorade Player of the Year, and finally, my most awarding accomplishment; earned a spot of the USA Women’s Junior National Team. After many long weeks of training, we were able to go on to defeat the Dominican Republic for the Gold Medal during the USA Championships. Later, we traveled to the NORCECA Championships in Managua, Nicaragua and returned to the United States with yet another medal.



Throughout this blessed and triumphant period in my career, I was able to wear #10 on my back, with pride. But most importantly, before every game, I would take a black Sharpie to write my {now} personal Life Mantra on the inside of my right wrist; it simply said: “Get Up 10.” With this, I was able to look down between plays and remember; I was playing for something bigger than myself, I represented my team, my family, my name, and just like my mom; the United States of America.
 

So, for every match, every set, and every point I tried to emulate just what those words said. I wanted to “get up” or ‘elevate’ my game to the level my mother did. I wanted to “get up” every single game and be prepared to play mindfully and passionately for my team. But most importantly, I knew in my heart that even if I happened to get “knocked down 9 times… I would always ‘Get Up 10.’”


 






Sunday, March 11, 2018

Scars of Strength


 

Strength.
That’s the word I think of when I think of the last 3 years.
The strong ones are not those who win battles fought in front of us but those who win battles we know nothing about.

Smiles can hide so much.
Fear, pain, sadness, tears.
But then again, they reflect only one thing:
strength

 

But there’s this weird double standard with strength,
and it includes knowing you can’t be strong all the time.
That’s the thing about pain, it demands to be felt.

So when you need to speak your mind, speak it.
Even if your voice shakes.
And you never truly know how strong you are until
being strong is the only choice you have, but today…

I choose to be weak.

As my friend Hazel Grace once said,
Let’s talk about math.
I’m not a mathematician, but I do know this:
There are an infinite amount of numbers between 0 and 1.
There’s .1 and .2 and .112 and an infinite set of numbers between 0 and 2,  or even more between 0 and one million.
Some infinites are bigger than other infinites.

There are days, many of them,
when I resent the size of our life’s unbounded sets.
And I wanted more numbers than what I got.

But I AM grateful for the numbers I did get with to share my light, my fire, with the world.
I got a little infinity.

You see, here on earth we all want to be remembered.
And we will be.

It’s nearly impossible to not leave your mark,
but unfortunately some of those marks are scars.
And some argue that it’s not fair that some
peoples’ scars and marks are lesser than others.
Arguably, some scars left are just simply deeper as opposed to longer.

Training left deep scars.
Scars of love and life and hope and once in a lifetime experiences.


But I am strong, and I had a choice.
I chose to turn my face to the sun and let the shadows fall behind me rather than in front of me.

I have finally grasped the fact that unexpected things are going to happen in life.
I’m done talking about math so who cares about the numbers…

Let’s move to art.
Kizzy Willey-Ricedorff, 1994 - 2018.

So…the line.
Or we’ll just call it a dash.

The two numbers mark the beginning and the end….
But the dash is what really matters.

How will I choose to live within MY dash?

The dash represents all the time I get to spend here, making my mark.
Although small on the grave, the dash holds it’s very own infinity.



Some may see memorials as just a day in their lifetime,
but it’s really a lifetime in a day.

The saying truly stands,
“In the end, it’s not the years in your life that count but the life in your years.”

The dash; my life’s personal infinity.

I wish to live each day to it’s fullest, never wanting to slow down.
I will face each day without fear of the future.

And I know I'll want everyone surrounding me to do the same someday,
as I watch over from above.
So take no day for granted and live life unremitted.

When we cry, dry your eyes because better days are sure to come.
When we smile, smile wide, because the pain will soon be gone.
When we laugh, laugh out loud, because it will carry to others who need our love.


When we see, see the beauty of our life and in ourselves.
When we pray, pray for strength in our trials.
And then each morning when we wake, we can say, “Lets do this.”

#GetUp10 #ScarsOfStrength #LetsDoThis #Strength #Shine #GlitterLining ✨ #NothingCanDullMySparkle #ShineBRIGHT ✨ 

Wednesday, February 28, 2018

Low Valley Days



When the sting of the hot water 
hides the sting in your eyes and
you feel the salt hit your wounds, 
only to be re-opened everyday.

The salt reminds you, 
you’re not you anymore.

And I’m tired of telling everyone I’m OK,

But they don’t understand. 
No one could.

When they ask "how I feel," and "where it hurts"...and they want to know, "What are your "Low Valley Days" like?" 



So, let me just tell you... 

1. The feeling of glass cutting my esophagus as I swallow, that rolls straight into my lungs....so that later… when I hiccup? 

They cut my ribs.




2. Swallowing feels like sand paper and the food passes over my bleeding ulcers.... then it makes it's way down into my throat where more ulcers await. 


I'd rather scream until my throat dies. 

Then...at least I would be in control of why my throat is full of blood.  



3. Then the food I've just eaten hits my stomach, and it punches me hard enough to double me over. Which means that, of course, there isn't another bite after that... 

"I'm full," I say.






4. Oh and don’t worry about breathing...The feeling of a vice around my sternum that retaliates as I attempt to take a deep breath.... because that's when the spasms hit. 

And they tighten down on my spine... and then my heart.

I feel like I'm choking on pain.  





5. For 3 years, 5 months and X number of days, I've seen so many shooting stars. Inside and Out... I feel them along every rib...front and back and Shining from the unshed tears of my loved ones who surround my hospital bed... and there have been soooo sooo many hospital beds. 

Please don’t be confused by the beauty of these shooting stars.

I literally mean a burning ball of gas slowly dying into the atmosphere...

Don't you dare make a wish on this one.






6. And although sometimes I dream and pray to be numb.... that's when the REAL numbness hits. And it hits hard. Making my legs feel like a thousand pounds... being taken on "walks" so that I don't forget how to stand or walk on my own. Humiliating. 

I have to sit down in my standing shower and let the water disguise my pain. 

Watching the tears disappear into the drain. One by one.










7. Then, there’s that lump... the lump in the back of my throat. When I'm trying so hard to not wake my blissfully unaware spouse. 

I suffocate as I hold in the sob that's trying desperately to escape. 

I fall asleep beneath salted pillowcases almost nightly. 








8. The sympathy looks I get from my friends and family. Because I'm not "me" anymore... 

They are seeing me as fragile; Weak.

Rather than the woman who was independent. 

Strong. Capable. No one to mess with.





9. PTSD. It's real and it's a monster I hate to describe. 

But if anyone else experienced those horrors that replay in my mind late at night.... You and I would have a shared look in our eyes when someone casually mentions a hospital.























10. And the fear... the fear of telling anyone that "YES... I'm terrified." 

Because that means I'm weak.

It means I don't have faith. 

That I don't trust my doctors... 
my family... Heavenly Father. 


But most of all, I'm scared that I'll always be this way. 

And yeah, today... I'm gonna play the "victim" card... because when you've experienced some of the horrors that I have... not once, not twice, but THREE horrific traumas? 

Yes, today, I can be a victim. 

It was all taken from me... I didn’t choose this. 

And, today, I'm scared.





AND THIS.... is my "Low Valley Day."