The Chill

And I hate that you're still part of it
because when that cold creeps back to my heart

I feel alone even in a room of 35

My blinks get faster and looking up only helps until the splash hits my pillow
And the mascara stains that won't come out of my sheets
I don't want to play hide and seek as huddled mass beneath sheets or comforters

They really don't comfort me
and I feel like grey and biting breeze
And shaking from nothing but memory and fears....

Don’t give me love like him
The fear has sunk deeper than oceans go and it's still there
But why should I be like shards of glass when I just want to be a diamond for you
And you cut back the words you wish to say to spare my chill
My throat blocks out any emotion I should be feeling and the stone wall greets me once again
I don't greet it back

 even that seems hard to do these days
But sometimes I actually look happy when I practice my smile in the mirror
And if I blur my focus, the bags under my eyes don't seem so dark

I need a get away. A one way flight to Paris

And I don’t want to be the one to forget what it feels like to be 19 when I turn 20

Lately I’ve been waking up half full

The wrinkle in my shirt matches wrinkles in my soul

It’s been awhile and I still feel the same, I need to just let go

I’ve found my corner and tonight I called you
and I've been feeling everything from hate to love from love to lust from lust to truth

My tears drown in my blood

The stains taste like salt

but for now, ill finally just let go

Prayer to the Father

Girl I’ve been thinking of us and all we could be

The life to come and the memories we could see

So I’ll take this night and whisper my plea

To your father and redeemer, please hear me, my king;

Should I marry this princess

Should I make her my whole world

Should I make our lives one and give this a whirl

Should I bless her with eternity for the rest of her life

Should I make her my lovely, my beloved, my wife

Girl I’ve been prayin about us and all we can be

Our life about to come and the memories that’ll be

I must pray to ask the father of my bride soon to be

Your daddy, an angel, please hear me this eve’

Can I marry your princess

Can I have your whole world

Can I make our lives one, and give it a whirl

Can I bless her with eternity for the rest of her life

Can I make your daughter my lovely, my beloved, my wife.

Please, I beg to have your princess, to make her my queen.

Can I gain your love and understanding,

Along with your blessing

Can I marry your princess

Butterflies

I love you
You see, those words can only go for awhile

and I can only run so far

I need to show you
but i cant and

I need your eyes to touch my lips

Your hands to feel my heart

Your voice nearly mocks me

the Tear stains and red calendar Xs

But then...
that smile..oh that smile and

The sparkle reaches out for your eyes

And suddenly I'm glowing and I cant help

But I help but to say it and when I say it

What I really mean to say is;

There are these knots.

These knots in my chest, heavy and I cant breathe s-l-o-w-l-y

I fill my lungs and the butterflies flood

the airway and..

So I laugh, because it tickles.

You see, what I truly mean is that… that they’re

Fuzzy. And they have wings and antennae and

FEELINGS

And I try to say it before the

Blood leaks onto my cheeks and the ivory fades away

And then you say those three words back and...

Butterflies!!

Jammed. In that place they’d just been and…

 flutter.

The blood, yes the blood has stained my cheeks,

And when I REALLY mean from all this banter is…

And those bugs, they feel so heavy and

my chest feels too light.

Too small for all that clutter.

My heart is claustrophobic

and wants oxygen way too soon.

And all they say is that I’m falling, falling so hard

But I feel like im…

Flying!

and those are clouds and stars and and…more…

Fluttering.

But honestly, im scared of heights

So there, ill just jump.

Ill jump closer…

Close enough to see that green flake you don’t see

And the stubbled chin. …

And I breathe this time

and I breathe YOU in.

and what I mean is…

I cant just look, I finally need to see.

See him.

Understand why even the sunglasses hurt my eyes

When he stands there and shines…

My CHEST might collapse

And my fingers feel cold

And there’s an earthquake surrounding my body and it's getting old

…Three words…

they pass through my trembling lips,

I see them float off yours.

And when I say those letters, harmonizing letters

Im talking about those butterflies.

When I say those three words;

I love you.

Just remember….. all I really mean is…

butterflies.

Come Walk with Me

The world was small and so were we

Spilled cheerios and jam faces

I stood for my brother and he told me,

Come walk to me

Related to him, laughing with him, life with him

The world grew into me and I grew into the world

Skinned knees but a happy face

I held my daddy’s strong hand and he told me,

Come walk near me

Protected by him, loved by him, only with him.

High school was my world and I felt so big.

Lustful drama and masked faces

I fell for him and he didn’t help me stand, he said

Come walk behind me

Hidden after him, scared of him, life with him.

The world became mean and I felt so small

Broken heart and tear streaked face

I knelt to pray and He said

Come walk with me

Shining through Him, renewed in Him, Life through Him.

My world was bright, and I was finally just fine

Mended heart, I found the missing half

And he knelt in front of me when he asked;

To Come walk beside him

Wear white with him, create life with him, spend eternity with him.

his return.

i feel the wall crashing down again.

he had been away for so long.

my heart beats harder and his gate shuts off in my throat

i can feel his waters lapping at the back of my eyes.

but he is strong. we are strong.

he has to be, the choice is simple and secret.

those secrets.

they scrape, scarring the inside of the wall.

they never escape.

they CAN'T escape.

the wall protects my heart at it's weakest.

when all else crumbles down, he holds strong for me.

he really is the only one i've learned to trust.

we were best friends for awhile.

and he's come back.

I never doubted he'd show up soon, with all the commotion.

unbreakable.

unreachable.

unwarmable.

he chills my heart and puts hot irons down my throat.

but i love him.

he takes me away.

he lets me hurt in private.

the water on my face dries before anyone can see.

and this time, i think he may be staying for awhile.

daddy's little girl

and these last strides,
You’re in white while your prince stands waiting.
small hand slips too soon from my own.
 into another's grasp.
Music plays into the night
For the moment, you’re in my arms again.
Arms that once rocked you to sleep.
not worried about if time passed by.
Because for the moment, I held tomorrow in my arms.
But this night, I hold someone else's tomorrow.
yet, when I looked down at you laying on my chest,

it's easy to say that no boy in the world could love you more than I love you.
You’ve found your Prince Charming
but I’ll always be your king.
My princess is married,
And now you’re HIS queen.
But remember, I loved you first.

How it Should Be

Life was living in hell, the leash suffocates.

I wondered if you’d ever change your ways.
You can’t fool me anymore after these months and something was never quite right. 
So I just put our pictures away...

 You’re not my anything, so how could you be my everything.

 And it shouldn’t be this way.

Love doesn’t know distance, and that’s when I knew.

I can’t sit here and cry anymore today, not even on the inside.

You can’t wonder where I’ve been or who I am.

I don't fit into your mold and I’m always going to be the same.

You won’t ever see tears I cry, the ones; because of you.

Because these days, the ring on my right hand is too tight and it never really faced the right way.

And I found myself counting down to relief instead of sadness.

And it shouldn’t be this way.

It’s the same ol’ same, and honestly; I don’t care how you’ve been.

You remind me of those greyer days.

Tears. Made of paper and glass, tearing me down.

It was easy to get you off my mind ‘cuz I couldn’t stand living life that way.

And once you’re off, I won’t write you to tell you to come home.

And it shouldn’t be this way.

You won’t ever give me what I need and there’s no chance we can just be friends.

Love isn’t easy but it’s easier than this.

If you’d ask me to tell you I love you, you’d get your answer in the silence.

I always thought tomorrow would be better.

But it never changed and my light is no longer shining. 

And it shouldn’t be this way. 

Life’s a winding road and we went round and round.

I gave us a world of chances; chances you burned right through.

For me there’s no right, and for you there was no wrong.

But I just kept on, and I don’t know why.

There’s more me without you.

And it shouldn’t be this way.

The last kiss was sweet, but I knew it’d windup like this.

This time when I fall, don’t catch me.

You held me at a level I never want to see anymore.

You made me cry when I needed to smile.

I can’t die inside everyday, waiting for you to change.

But now I’m smiling through tears.

And I’m glad you’re not here.

And I think it’s time for you and your white horse to leave me alone.

And it shouldn't be this way.

All of my doubt needs to fly through the ocean.

I close my eyes and the sun shines through.

Morning light touched my skin today and the day sounded happier.

 Maybe this is how it should be.

I keep holding my breathe, the passion leaves my heart; seeps.

Waking up is easy to do and life’s better off this way.

I’ve found the way to make it without you.

Cuz now I believe it when I say I don’t need it anymore. 

And I won’t think of you while I’m happily with him.

I don’t want to fall in love; I need to grow up for love.

And this really is how it should be.