CouRAGE

failure turns to fuel.
disappointment to desire.
my tears to tenacity.


couRAGE isn't beautiful.
couRAGE isn't glory.
couRAGE is sometimes ugly.

"show me a man who has never failed....
and I'll show you a man who has never tried"

we need to fall.
scrape my knee.
make me bleed.

I'll be better than you.
stronger than you.
faster than you.

Because if you make me fall nine times... you're only making me get up 10.

Battles are WON, Still Working on the War

I'm all strapped up and ready for action.
(Although I'm usually the one bleeding at the end of each day!)



I've been fighting this virus and I've won several battles this week!!

• My mouth/throat ulcers are {almost} gone.
• We {luckily!} found a blood clot in my arm before it could pass into my heart or brain. <Yikes>
• I've had three successful nerve Infusions.
• I'm thoroughly re-hydrated after Wednesday's puking fest. 

(VIDEO FROM WHAT THE BLOOD CLOT DID TO MY ARM) 

And the biggest VICTORY of all; I have the best squad anyone could ever ask for. I would go to the trenches with my family and friends ANY day of the week.



So grateful.
Battles are won, but I'm still working on the War.

I HAVE GOD

Another week and of course a plethora of news! Thursday I was discharged from The University of Utah Hospital, as they no longer had the necessary or available resources I needed for my continued care.

We immediately headed toward Montana, to work with a doctor who has followed my path very closely for the past 2 years. He was optimistic regarding a treatment I had yet to try.

So, as we arrived yesterday, we immediately began some of new treatment Infusions. I was able to get in about 1.5 treatments yesterday afternoon and saw minimal relief, but I'm hopeful as we continue our treatments this Tuesday. Relief will increase with each treatment and each treatment generally takes around 45 min.

As the procedure begins, I am administered through an IV, by doctors, to begin the fusion. The medication used is actually the same medicine used they use as anesthesia. The medication is simply pumped into my bloodstream and it numbs and resets every nerve sensory receptor. This essentially allows the nervous system to shut down and then boot up again or "restart."

Not only is it incredibly successful in treating and resetting the sensory receptors of my nerves, to reduce the pain, but the infusion also hits every nerve from the top of my head to the bottoms of my toes.

There will be a follow up infusion treatment (Tues) about once per week, but that will all be determined by the success of each previous treatment, week by week. Next week (Tuesday) we plan to continue with the usual infusion but will also be adding Magnesium. It has been found to greatly boost neurological structures.

We have scheduled meetings with doctors all across the spectrum of the medicinal knowledge including: Rheumatoid Arthritis, Infectious Disease, and a Dermatologist to run a skin DNA biopsy. Somewhere within all of these genius minds, we hope to find an answer or even a hint of where to go next.

We are currently at our ranch, between infusion treatments or doctor appointments, so I can rest in my own bed, as opposed to sleeping at the hospital, where they wake you up every 15 minutes to get your vitals!!


I'm optimistic regarding every single treatment plan we have tried over the last year and a half. And this is our last time...or it may not be. And honestly, I don't care.


This is GOD's will. This is GOD's plan. And with that knowledge, please don't grieve for me....Just pray that I may always be who I was born to be.

Quitting isn't in my blood. Quitting isn't in my training. I was born to win and to succeed. And I will. No one knows how long that victory will take, but be aware...victory IS coming.

I have bravery. I have endurance. I have faith. I have strength. I have love. I have courage. I have hope. I have family. I have friends. I have a testimony. I have the atonement. And most importantly...... I HAVE GOD.





I've been poked, prodded, squeezed, stretched, bled, bruised, torn, shredded, and more.... but this is the end of this. It has to be. Because as always, I may get knocked down 9 times, but heaven help me.... I WILL get up 10.

BRAVE

The thing about being BRAVE is that is comes with the absence of fear and pain.

But TRUE BRAVERY is the ability to look fear and pain in the face and say, “Move aside, you’re in the way.”

#tryingreallyhardtobebrave #beingstrongismyonlychoice #day3 #hardestdayyet #slowprogress #ihavealongwaytogo #daybyday

The Vow

Your vow to me was eternity, no death to tear us apart.

And what a wonderful promise, for our happily ever to start.

Soon I realized that it’s not about the end at all,

Like it’s not about the storm, but watching the rain fall.

Although inherently different from all of the rest,

We knew we would be forever and eternally blessed.

Vows were not written, but some seem misunderstood,

I feel it necessary to tell you your vows and yes, you’ve done good.

What really counts is what we put inside of this eternity.

And in only one year, all these vows have been made known to me….

From before our special day, you’ve vowed to fill the holes in my heart,

Vowing each and every day, showing me we’d never be apart.

I thought that I could be happy, all on my own,

But I couldn’t have possibly been more wrong.

And you vowed to show me everything I never knew I needed,

Giving your love, your passion, and desires unheeded.

You vowed to show me love, to open my eyes,

Displaying for me that love has all different skies.

You vowed to show me loves different landscapes,

Some with different colors, many with different shapes.

Some are skylines; some are meadows, all different heights.

Both unknown and terrifying, but all beautiful sites.

You vowed this love would take me high enough to kiss the glowing sun,

And that early morning, mid-July, you showed me; I was your only one.

You vowed to take me where I would no longer remember pain,

And you made my whole world suddenly and completely change.

You vowed to me no twist or turn could ever make me fall,

When you’re the mountain holding me up, giving me your all.

You vowed to not catch me every time I failed,

But instead sat down beside me and just let me exhale.

You vowed to let me fall and get some scrapes and scars,

And that you’d turn me around and point up to the stars.

You vowed to be the only one I longed to kiss goodnight,

Quieting my fears and kissing my nose, setting my dreams alight.

And as we lay here, in the quiet of the dark,

You vowed to steal not one piece, but every bit of my heart.

You vowed to be the blue sleepy eyes that would be looking back at me,

Each morning in your arms, and know that’s just where I should be.

And as you stare at me, you vowed to take every bit of me in,

As you read my face, my fingers, mouth, and limbs.

You vowed to hold me in your arms, inhaling our life each day,

Shining down on me, emanating your gorgeous golden rays.

And as I turn my head to listen to the beating of your soul,

You vowed each day, in my heart, there’d never be a hole.

And you vowed to help me laugh and live, falling in love with my life.

Already granting that wish by simply making me your lawfully wedded wife.

And you vowed to always hold me strong but ever so tender,

As you grasped my hand and held me strong, across the white cushioned altar.

You vowed to have the patience my love would often demand,

And vowed to walk beside me, when I was too weak to stand.

You vowed to speak when words were needed and desired,

And to share in my silence, when they were not or I was too tired.

You vowed to live within the warmth of my beating heart,

Much longer we’ll be together, than death do us part.

You vowed to put your arms around me, and to just hold on,

Even when I’m not so lovable, strengthened becomes our bond.

You vowed to look at me as the most precious thing you’ve seen,

You vowed to keep me safe and loved, with no in betweens.

And with those eyes, you could have set the sky on fire,

But you lit me up instead and took me even higher.

You vowed to make your love course through my veins,

Helping me through life, and taking my reins.

You vowed to be hooked and never to stray,

To always be hand in hand and lead me along the way.

You vowed I could taste your love, on your sweet and tender lips,

And to feel the strength of the storm from the safety of your ship.

I wanted to explore all of the places you’ve called home,

Because suddenly, you were mine, and I would never again roam.

And you vowed to love me harder than any pain I’ve ever felt.

Vowing to make your heart the safest place I’d ever dwelt.

You vowed that loving you’d be the best mistake I’d ever make.

That the burning in my heart was love and would never be an ache.

You vowed to give me love like lightning in the heart of a storm,

a passion that demands to be felt and a soul that will always be warm.

You vowed to love, to honor, to respect, and to care,

And you’re everything I never knew I always put in my prayers.

So these were your vows, whether you knew it or not,

But I’ve seen and heard them each day and now you’ve been caught.

You’re the man of the year, longest vows ever recorded,

I won’t tell the other men because their wives have surely been shorted.

We’ve made it a year and these vows continue to ascend,

So here’s to have and to hold, and never to end.

Bring me Back

Chills in my veins.

They're hollow and brittle,

my spine shrinks away

from my shivering heart.

I feel numb and useless.

my world isn't mine,

people just live around me.

My Story

That morning, I knew my plot. 

And I knew who I was.

But a few things have changed since then.

My pages are damp, ripping along the edges.

Suddenly, all of my stars were falling and at that exact moment;

everything. single. thing. about my story changed.

Forever.

You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have, 

for 6 months, and thousands of pages.

For so long, I had a chapter that I couldn't read aloud.

And suddenly, another chapter was added to that list. 100 pages.

There are two types of pains; one that hurts you and others that change you.

The pain I felt hanging on for the one thing that just dropped me... 

Well, sometimes you get the brightest light from a burning bridge. 

I was no longer a prisoner of something I couldn't change.

And they tried to bury me, but didn't know I was a seed.

I came to a point where I knew I needed to just fall apart.

I needed the opportunity to rebuild myself the way I wished I'd been all along.

And years from now, in retrospect, these times of struggle will strike me as the most beautiful.

Everyone has been through something that has changed them in a way that they could never go back to the person they were before. 

And now I can tell my story without crying, so I know I've healed. 

Life is tough, but oh, so am I.

This work is tough enough, and they'll judge you and tear you down no matter what.

I don't know the key to happiness but the key to failure is trying to please everyone else. 

In the end, the only ones who truly care are the ones who hear you when you're quiet.

But sometimes what you're most afraid of doing is the very thing that will set you free.

I had to step back and find that there are so many beautiful reasons to be happy.

A smile is even more brilliant when it has struggled through tears.

How we walk when we are broken speaks louder than how we sit while we are great.

So life knocked me down 9 times, but this time.... I rolled over to look at the stars.

Now I'm thankful for my struggle because without it, I wouldn't have stumbled across my strengths.

No one will ever dull my sparkle. 

I continue to shine.

The difference now is that I believed I could;

so I did.

Nothing will ever dim an inner light 

and I will win, not immediately, but definitely.