Pictures of Us

there's our photo together. it's gathering dust on my dresser. face down. i picked it up a few days ago and i blew off the dried tears and dust. i stared and just..... i blinked. 

it's been 6 months.

who are you now? i let myself look at you, me... us. smiling, like this was going to be easy; before my life went grey. and honestly I didn't know how to make it right again.

and maybe still don't. 
maybe i will in 6 more months.

one year.

because you just disappeared. for quite a while actually.

so what if I'm not the same when you're home and what if those smiles don't come back and what if you walk down that hall and you've forgotten? i'll be a different girl and

you'll be.... a man. 

what if when we pick up our pieces, they don't quite fit together anymore? then we'll wonder if they even fit in the first place. so i'm shoving all the pieces behind a wall. a wall around my heart and ill put it high on a shelf. my heart can maybe be safe there, in the dark. i packed it up in some bubble wrap but that just makes it colder.

it's winter in my chest; icy.

i'm trying to be careful. I'm trying to be cautious, carrying around the box that holds your heart, 

and holding it high above my head. Maybe ill put it behind the wall too. no one can look at it, cuz they don't think it's beautiful like i do. 

no one can open it, it's mine to have... or destroy.

but why can't i just fight harder to keep it safe... or alone.

i've been trying to find it a friend, your heart. so it doesn't get lonely in two years, but i keep throwing the other hearts away.

i sit across the table and think, 

this isn't his heart, but your heart isn't this guy's either.

which one is prettier? 

trying to create new music but your old melodies come screaming in my head. the lullaby you sang. harmony,

          like us.

climbing trees, i just keep picking, but never getting the to the top. rotten apple after rotten apple.

6 more months.

i blink again.

and the picture of us? it's behind the wall too.