Hakuna Matata

The Devil and Vinny are playing some nasty games... and they’re cheaters.  

I’ve tried so hard to be strong this month. And I succeeded until about 3 days ago when the dam just wasn’t quite strong enough anymore and I drown in my tears. It’s hard to admit you’re weak, but I choose to be weak right now. I’m trying to rebuild myself and stand back up from my favorite landing place; rock bottom, once again.

Several of the most basic necessities to survive have been taken from me.
I’d like to introduce you all to my “ARCH ENEMIES OF THE MONTH...”
FOOD and SLEEP 

Curse you.  

Beginning around mid February, I was unable to eat a full meal for 16 days straight, rapidly lost over 17 lbs and was threatened with a feeding tube by Mr. Doc. I was surviving on dry cereal, pretzels, and water. After those fun 16 days, I have now been able to eat a FULL small dinner each night!!  

 So, for the past month, we have small dinners and every other meal is full of more water and pretzels. Luckily, doctors have ruled out my appendix, my gallbladder (phew!), and my kidneys/liver are looking just dandy. We knew the rampant inflammation was attacking my organs and GI tract but they’re taking a bigger beating than we initially thought. Mr. GI DOC has a “double scope” procedure scheduled to look at my beautiful sparkly insides.  During the procedure, he will be taking biopsies for food allergies, ulcers, cancer, and tumors as well as looking for signs of celiac or crohn’s disease. 

Moving forward....

Alas, my beauty sleep has also taken a SHARP decline (as my cracked mirror has told me) and I’m suffering greatly from it. My nights consist of staring at a dark ceiling counting sheep, and deer, and tigers, and hell.... UNICORNS!!! 
But no animal, mythical or not, is helping put my body to sleep.
Doctors have tried numerous over the counter sleep aids but to no avail... the pain is just too great to fully relax. Fortunately, those survival instincts finally kick in at about 3 or 4 am each morning and I finally get a little shut eye..... with PTSD filled nightmares of hospitals, needles, and probably some evil unicorns that I’d been silently cursing all night.

My pain has also increased substantially and most days revolve around trying to find creative ways to cushion my golden throne, (ie: recliner) in the living room. By the sheer number of pillows and blankets I have around me, it might as well have been a cloud for all I know... but hey, a girls got needs...

With the pain, my migraine headaches and inter cranial pressure has gotten really bothersome again but this time, my vision has taken a big hit. Either that, or my mom really was telling the truth when I was little that I needed to eat more carrots.

Lastly, I got to sit in another throne (of sorts) at the wondrous dental office to check out my bleeding ulcers/sores that have appeared in my mouth and down my throat again. Nothing we can do about them besides some numbing mouth wash when I finally start eating again.

SO!! (Here’s the good part!!) I am in Montana for the weekend to see my wonderful Pain Management doc where he literally CAN make me feel like I’m floating on a cloud. I get to have a few Ketamine Nerve Infusions to give my nerves a little R&R spa day. 

The Nerve Infusions include an administration of anesthesia directly into my veins, targeting the central nervous system. The idea is to basically make my nerves “shut down” or fall asleep and then "restart” them. I feel no pain, no headaches, no burning nerves, no spasms... nothing, for nearly 2 hours and then for about 5-8 hours after treatment. After each treatment, the lasting effects last for longer and longer time periods, eventually never going away. 

This isn’t easy and nothing is clear but I know God is Great. Our Savior has felt the pain I’m feeling now and knows, intimately, what I’m experiencing. I have faith in His power. Christ has faced this and won.... so why can’t I? He is with me; holding my hand, showing me the way and very often carrying me when I’m no longer strong enough to stand. With Him, I can be brave and I can be strong. With him.... I can still SHINE.  With HIM, I have NO WORRIES.  

#HakunaMatata 

#GetUp10#ClimblingMountains#Montana#PushingForward#KetamineInfusions#NerveWerk#GodisGreat#UnicornsTho#GLITTERlining