Birthdays and Hopeful Wishes

Hello, Friends!! 

⚠️⚠️ NOVEL AHEAD ⚠️⚠️ 

Spark Notes (you're welcome):

1. B-dAy #25 was KIZZALiCiOUS. 💞

2. I’m fighting my fight and as always, I’M GETTING UP. 💋💛

As for my ‘not so quick’ birthday and HEALTH update, I wanted to first tell my incredible friends and family how amazing ALLLL of your texts, messages, FaceTimes, calls, etc were for my birthday yesterday!! You left me feeling LOVED and oh soooo BLESSED.  

💋💋💋 THANK YOU. 💋💋💋

(Commence: Overload of BIRTHDAY CELEBRATION MEMORIES!)

 

I’d like to follow that update with this year’s birthday wish, as I blew out my candle last night.... {and pish posh about the whole “it won’t come true” saga - whateverrrr!!} 

This year, I simply made a wish that I could “REMEMBER THIS DAY.” 💛💛 Because it was incredible. 💛💛

Sounds kind of lame, huh? 

But for 3.5 years now, I can honestly say I’ve only truly been present in both mind and spirit, for about 2.5 of those years. 

I’ve lost so much time in this fight. And I’m done. I’m done forgetting the good, the bad, the ugly, the beautiful, the quiet moments, as well as the loudest. I’m ready to be set free. 

I fight so very hard each and every day to be rid of this trial. And it has taken some pretty special days away from me because of the medication and treatments I’ve had to be on. 

Every single day of this fight, I’m forced to make a choice. But I digress, it’s honestly not completely a choice anymore. 

My “choices” are whether I want to go into cardiac arrest today....or not. I have a “choice” to remember if Rathen has told me he loved me today...or not. I have the “choice” if I’d like to black out from the pain and wake up while paramedics load me into the back of yet another ambulance; sirens blaring. 

Which option would you be choosing? 

.....That’s what I thought. 💥

But sometimes this choice means that, yes, I experience severe brain fog both on AND off these medications. The hardest part about this is REMEMBERING that I’ll FORGET.... how ironic is that? 👀

And perhaps the most morbid yet beautiful thing about this fight, is that I fight it in silence. This is a silent battle that not many people can truly understand, if anyone.... and in that, I also fight this war alone. 

But I have hope. I have the hope that this time is “the time” we‘ll find answers and that I will be set free. And in saying this, I realize how perilous a thing “Hope” is... the hope to be that ‘one in a million chance’.... or the hope that I can be ‘the special one’.... JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE. 

A PARADOX; wanting to be special, just like everyone else... 

But as doom and gloom as all of this has sounded, I have to say: 

I. AM. BLESSED. and there are GLITTER LININGS ALL AROUND ME!!! 

As I continue to fight this particular flare up of my unknown illness for the fourth time, I’ve heard way too many people say, “She must not be ‘that bad’ since she hasn’t been hospitalized yet.” 

{WHICH IS TRUE!!... kind of} 

However...... this has only been possible due to the fact that I have an absolutely amazing DOCTOR and NEURO TEAM 

at the Mayo Clinic on board! 

I’ve been able to “skip the line” to the circus shenanigans that people commonly refer to as “the ER” and receive the needed medication and care to keep me comfortable at home while we anxiously await my Lyme Disease test results and develop our “what’s next” plan!! 

So as I wait, I have HOPE and I’m grasping for my STRENGTH and holding on for dear life to my CIRCLE of supporters.... 

and oh, what a large circle that is!!! 

I’m having some High Mountain Days as well as some 

very Low Valley Days. (Don’t we all?!) ⛰ 

So, as I reach rock bottom yet again, I’m rebuilding and I’m drawing on others strength to help me climb out of those Low Valley Days. It doesn’t matter if you climb out alone or if you need a little help... But regardless, IM GETTING UP!! 🤙🏼

So until next time,

 bye, Felicia.