Dancing in the Sky

I don’t see my future.


I don’t see a light at the end.


I’ve lost my fight tonight.


For the first time ever, I wondered if my family’s life would be better off without me.


Without my broken body.


Without my broken soul.


I don’t feel like I bring light to others world anymore.


Only darkness.


My spark is gone.


I don’t feel like fighting anymore.


I’m so tired of the pain.


I’m tired of smiling and lying.


I’m tired of being a test rat.


I’m tired of fighting an unknown enemy.


I’m tired of the same sorry looks from people.


I want to just give up.


To let myself go.


I used to look into the future and see brighter times ahead.


Tonight, I see continued pain.


I see me fading into the background day by day


My pain isn’t a shock anymore.


My trials are forgotten.


I feel like everything around me is moving and I’m still standing still.


Everyone’s lives are moving forward,


Leaving me in the dust.


I used to think I was holding people back.


But now they’ve just continued on without me.


So alone and still standing still.


The world around me moves on, but I can’t go with


them.


The pain in my body is less than the pain in my chest.


My heart hurts so much lately.


So frequently.


The inner demons are winning.


And I’m done fighting them back.


I’m curling in a ball on my bathroom floor.... letting the tears stain my face and shirt.


I locked the door to be alone because even if my husband or mom were aware of my pain, I’d still be just the same; alone.


My back is starting to hurt from laying on the hard ground but I can’t get myself together enough to care.


I pulled my small handheld mirror out of my drawer and stare at myself....


the girl looking back isn’t me.


My eyes are vacant and cold.


My tear streaks scar my once flawless face.


My soul is cracking apart and I can see it all in this handheld mirror.


The woman staring back from the glass isn’t me.


I don’t know how to find myself in that glass anymore.


I don’t know if I rebel and close in...


Get tattoos, maybe even drink to try to numb the pain I’m so sick of feeling.


I don’t know if I need more God. Or if he sees me as just as broken as I see myself, staring back through the glass.


I don’t feel worthy anymore.


Surely not worthy of my husband’s affection, because I haven’t felt that in weeks.


Is it me?? Have I turned ugly?


Or is it him, finally giving up on me after 2 horrible years.


He says he ignores the negatives and the bad....


but that’s all I am lately.


So yes, he’s done quite well in ignoring the negative.


In ignoring his wife.


unknowingly crushing me from the inside out...


starting with ripping my heart right out of my chest.










Written: October 30, 2017